Love is a journey—not a free fall.

Author TY WARD

9 Min Read

An excerpt from Marriage Rebranded: Modern Misconceptions & the Unnatural Art of Loving Another Person.

I’ll never forget the first time I said “I love you” to Analee. It was an absolute nightmare.

Some people find it incredibly easy to start professing their love for a significant other. Then there’s me.

Up until this point in life, I was able to avoid using the infamous three words and had no intention of dusting them off until marriage. Of course, that was before I met the five-foot-nothing firecracker I now call my wife.

It was a lazy late afternoon in Los Angeles and a few influencing dynamics were in play.

We had recently braved the “thoughts on God” conversation and the shared perspective we found calmed any possible doubt about developing a future together. To make our newfound connection even hotter, she had just mentioned that she was halfway through a book written by one of my favorite spiritual thinkers. I asked her to read a chapter or two as we spent our afternoon together.

She read aloud in her best narrator’s voice. Of course, I wasn’t really listening. The only voice I was hearing was the one in my head telling me that I had found the one I was looking for.

Then it happened.

Before she could even finish the sentence—and about as awkwardly as you could imagine—I cut her off.

I love you.

She had stopped reading, though her eyes never left the book. I wasn’t sure if it was the daunting words that made her uncomfortable, or just the general awkwardness of a guy cutting her off to randomly profess his love. Or worse, maybe both.

Either way, she was obviously stunned speechless.

I panicked. Then my thoughts began to crucify me.

How could I wait my entire life to say this to a woman and let it go down like this?

On a random Sunday afternoon?!

We’ve only been dating for six months!

I couldn’t even wait for her to finish her sentence?!

Do I even really love her? Or am I just being impulsive?

Am I ready for this?

No. We’re not ready for this yet.

I’ve blown it!

Still, she sat silently. And in a matter of seconds, my mind rocketed from confidence to fear to intimidation to regret to rational reasoning—but all emotions in the end pointed to one thing…

This was a colossal mistake.

So, I did what any relational moron would do in this situation…

“I’m sorry. We aren’t ready for this.

Can I take it back?”

It sounded even more stupid coming out than it did in my head. But, I doubled down and waited for her response.

“Of course you can take it back.” She said with a smirk, “But I already know the truth.”

It’s only one of the epic blunders I made while dating my wife that we still laugh about today. However, my pathetic delivery is only half the humor in the story. The arguably more humorous part is that I actually believed that what we were experiencing in that season was “falling in love.”

LOVE IS NOT A FREE FALL.

It’s a classic conclusion: “I think we’re falling in love.”

At some point, we gather the courage to see if the sentiment is reciprocated, then, of course, we start talking long-term. And why wouldn’t we talk marriage? After all, love is the foundation for marriage, right?

This was certainly my story. After some stomach butterflies, a couple special moments together, and a few DTRs (define the relationship)—I thought Analee and I had arrived at the much-sought-after phenomenon of being in love.

Unfortunately for us and our socially reinforced illusions, love isn’t something we simply fall into.

Today, we are inclined to microwave everything in life. We love the instant gratification of our hamburger drive-thrus and our personalized Netflix queues. And perhaps because of this modern orientation—many of us put a ring on it, walk an aisle, and tend to expect the benefits of love instantly, as well.

The number of divorces in the first 5 years of marriage as stated in jimenogray.com/divorce-lawyer/child-support/ site doesn’t lie. We want the benefits of love in marriage and we want them quickly. And this expectation of instant is only perpetuated by the previously mentioned illusion of falling “in love” with our spouse…

Sadly, it’s a popular narrative today. They ‘fall’ in love. They get married. The challenges of merging two realities into one inevitably come knocking. And because they think they’ve already “arrived” in love, the absence of what was once felt makes them question if they’ve somehow fallen out of love and need to look for it elsewhere.

Fortunately, this instant brand of love that we simply fall into is not what God had in mind.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, spoke brilliantly about this when we recently sat together.

A good marriage isn’t something you find and fall into, he said. It’s something you make and remake many times over.

See, in the Hollywood view of ‘falling in love,’ it’s all about finding the right person and then it’s supposed to be easy. Unfortunately, this idea ignores the fact that we become different people. It ignores the fact that we usually want different things out of life. It ignores the fact that really, about 80 percent of us are going to marry almost our exact opposite. It assumes that we’re static individuals and we’re not.

Life changes. People get sick. Their parents die—that changes us. They get cancer—that changes us. They get fired— that changes us. They might succeed in their business far more than they imagined—that changes us. If we don’t pursue intimacy, we lose intimacy. I have to keep pursuing my wife or I’ll become a stranger to my wife.

Marriage is not about finding ‘the One’ and falling in love. It’s about choosing one and, over time, becoming the ‘right couple’.

In the end, our cultural ideas of love need to change.

Love isn’t something we feel while dating or simply fall into after a few special moments together. Love is a reality between two people that is cultivated over years of everyday choices to give to one another. And that kind of love is worth every ounce of the investment (that is true according to bitcoin360ai) that it demands.

Also, if you have an epic relationship blunder story like mine in your past, I’m sure we would all be better people if you told us about it in the comment feed below.

Milo

Yeah I can relate… :p was really a kid back then always thought love was ‘that’… Not anymore though. “Learned” 🙂 and still learning cause if I’d think I “know” now and that I’ve arrived to that ‘point’ where I’d think I know everything now, I haven’t… Learning, slowly and steadily and it’s like a journey too but take it from me, Love is “not” just falling ‘in’ and ‘out’ of, it REALLY IS about choosing one and, over time, becoming the ‘right couple’. that is cultivated over years of everyday choices to give to one another. And that kind of love is worth “every ounce” of the investment that it demands. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
amber

This is a resounding truth! My husband and I spoke of this before we got married. This statement “And because they think they’ve already “arrived” in love, the absence of what was once felt makes them question if they’ve somehow fallen out of love and need to look for it elsewhere.”

This is also true of people feeling like they met “The One”. Their fate, soulmate. Yes, the Lord knows everything that will happen to us, he has ordained our lives beautifully but given us the gift of free will. Amazing! When people, especially women, fall into our cultural view of the fairytale, movie type love is where we get into trouble. We constantly question if we have met The One, and once we decide we have then we jump in. And, as you said, when the going tough we question if we have fallen out of love or start to wonder if they really WEREN’T the one??

My husband, simply and wisely said to me one day “I don’t believe we are meant to be together. Because I could never know that. But I *choose* to be with you.” In that choosing, that intentional devotion, we gain a mindfulness. An accountability. We are no hoping we guessed right and that if it’s right nothing can tear it apart. We are choosing that love.

And when a person wants something, it’s very hard to steer them from that! Choosing to be there, to work through difficulties, to grow spiritually, choosing to love that person, choosing to realize that it’s not always rose colored.

It is a journey, and we should not leave it to chance or assume we know the will of the Lord by declaring “This is the one He chose for me!” We need to have faith, and be deliberate in our love. 🙂

Thank you, love your blog!
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

Insightful reflections amber. Thanks for them. Sounds like youve got yourself a husband with a good head on his shoulders. 🙂
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

I hear you Milo. Still learning over here too. 🙂
http://fromthegroundfloorup.blogspot.com/ Amy

My fiance told me he loved me on our second date, two weeks after we met. It was via text message after the date. He said, “I meant to tell you this when we were together earlier, I love you.” My brother was sitting next to me on the couch when he saw my eyes widen and my mouth go slack. He said, “What?” I told him, “John said he loves me.” My brother responded, “Oh boy.”

I responded back to John after a few minutes and said, “Thank you for telling me that. I won’t say it back until I mean it, but I am getting there.” He responded back and said, “That’s okay. I won’t say it again until then. I’m pretty sure I love you but I will think about it some more.” And this from a very quiet, introverted, deep thinking guy.

We still joke about that three years later. He said after he sent it, he thought, “Oh sh*t, I’ve scared her off now.” But he tells me constantly that he knew the moment we met that he liked me a lot. When we got engaged right around our two-year anniversary, he told me he wanted to propose to me the first weekend he came to see me (a month into our relationship) and that he’d had my ring for over a year. I don’t doubt he loved me when he first said it and I never doubt that he still loves me, but we’ve both definitely learned a lot about love over the past 3 years.

Thank you for sharing this article, as it very much defines the journey John and I are on and hope to continue trekking for the rest of our lives.
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

@captainbkfire82:disqus : The ‘text message profession.’ The suspense of waiting for your response would have absolutely killed me. 🙂

Congrats on the journey and stay in touch!
Jennifer

Great article. My husband told me he loved me over the phone. While he was in Florida. After just 3 weeks. Lol. I have no idea how I responded, but I’m sure it was something like ‘I love spending time with you, too!’ (thanks to Friends for that one). He later told me that God told him I was the one – which somehow I was slightly offended at, because *I* wanted to decide if he was the one… he was. And is. 🙂
In about a week, we’ll have been together for 10 years. Married for eight years, and two boys later, we still continue to ‘remake’ our love over and over again. <3
https://www.tylerwardis.com/ tyler ward

A phone call profession that led to 10 years of marriage. I like it.

Hope the best for your 10th year! Stay in touch.
Jean Edwards

Good advice from Gary Thomas. Each spouse is changed by life events and circumstances- often profoundly. The couple who acknowledge that and allow for it will do best. Also, the reality that a couple choose each other, and may, or may not, be soul mates, or be The One for each other? That hopefully frees the couple up to roll with what life dishes out, or what each other choose to do, or not do. I have been married for 25 years, and am now realizing I have had all kinds of expectations and incredibly high standards for my marriage. Hoping to correct that as soon as possible, for a more loving marriage, more and more rooted in reality.
Did the Sacred Marriage study once, and am glad to have the book to revisit.

Thanks to you, Tyler, for your own revelations on marriage. You are good to learn from other authors and teachers in the field. Your presentation to us of your learning process is helpful and enjoyable. Thanks. I’m planning to read your book soon. I am enjoying your blog.

TY WARD

I write to make sense of life, business & relationships. I publish in hopes of helping you do the same.

http://tyward.co

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