tyler ward.

“When we are strong, we cant find God’s love, mostly b/c were not looking. When we are weak is when God’s love finds us.” For years i lived under the reality of love being a reward. If I abandoned my normal shape to cram myself into the box of my dads expectations, I was loved. Though this reality provided little room for authentic relationship between my dad and I, its how we lived everyday until today. I woke up this morning to my dad eating a nectarine and drinking coffee on my futon in my living room. He had travelled down for the day just to express himself to me face to face. He told me he was sorry for never truly accepting who i was outside of his box. He told me i was free to be who I am, and that he understood my need for his love, but wouldnt allow me to strive to please him anymore for it- he would give it freely. He washed my feet, then wiped my tears. He showed me the value of weakness. He showed me the heart of God. He broke generation oppressions, and he opened a door and stepped into a new room. From this room, not just my heart, or my family will be affected, but the world will be changed. My dad is an international business man, a highly respected and influencial person in the lives of some of the voices of the world…and now…he’s learning how to truly love, and love changes everything and everyone it touches. God cares for us and for the people around us far too much to let us go on in the vain strength we’ve aquired from the world. Our only hope is what my dad has discovered—weakness.

I feel so distant and have nothing to say. For the first time in a long time, I’m wishing it was yesterday. I wish I could change things, but dont have the strength. So I wait. I wait for you to take me by the hand. I wait for you to consume my heart again.

I sit here in a multi-million dollar house after enjoying a laid back day of fruit tea and friendship. Theres nothing wrong with my circumstances and experiences. In fact, im living a life of love and abundance…the very essence of the heart of God. But as I sit here sipping my tea, there are young girls being sold for sex 3 or 4 times before i finish my glass. There are orphans roaming the streets with no hope of anyone ever loving them. There are slaves throughout the world digging trenches and sewing fabric for the 13th hour without a break and no pay. I read and hear of the poor and opressed in increasing measure lately. I find myself quiet. Im not ashamed, just humbled, and hungry for my life to be given to their justice and joy. So thankful for the last 2 years of soaking and intimacy with the Holy Spirit, I find the heart of God manifesting itself in the cravings of my life.

There are no words to explain how I feel.
Its all of me, just not to cry.
Speechless and empty-handed lying on the floor,
All I can seem to ask is why?
Things around me might seem fine,
But everything is crumbling inside.
That’s why…

IM JUST SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE WITH ME.
IM JUST SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE TONIGHT.

So many thoughts of losing everything I hold dear.
So many insecurities, so many fears.
Hungry for so much more, all I can do is wait in silence and sometimes tears.
Its then, I realize Everything I really want is already here.  Read more...

“The upright will make their home in His presence.” -David. If we could only understand that everything else is simply the fruit of making our home in His presence.

Ever since He preached the gospel to me again, Ive kinda been wrecked. It’s like when true love enters my heart, it lifts me above everything, including discouragement, small thinking, and social norms. I really like it up here. I think this is whats called the kingdom of God. Anyway, heres the fresh bread in song form—”Your a lover, just looking for a lover. (that line so generously given to me by Misty Edwards). Your a Daddy, looking for a son. I’ll be your lover today, and I’ll be your son today. We can go where You want to go and say what You want to say, just as long as I have You. You and me together. You and me forever.”

Ah. I love how the Holy Spirit is so into encountering and loving me…and that He is so much more dedicated to me than I am Him. All He did today was tell me the gospel again. For those of you that havent heard the gospel in a while, you have got to hear it again, b/c it is so good. Anyway, this is the song that came out of our time. “Are you hungry? Are you hungry? Cause there’s a feast going on, and its for free. Are you thirsty, are you thirsty? You can have all you wanna have to drink. Just come here at His feet, and believe. Come here at His feet, and receive. He has already made the way for you to be free and drink. Come here at His feet and believe.”

I ask for manhood. He holds my hand and walks me through two days of hell and on the other side shows me what a restriction and a knife my ego has been in relationships. During one of the nights, where i laid there in physical heart ache for no apparent reason, God showed me a vision of me laying on a hosiptal bed during surgery, as He sat next to me holding my hand saying “its all going to be better tommorow.” He is so good. Its because of that, that I’m willing to go through the process at whatever the cost.

No matter my age or how long ive been in church, If I have never tasted becoming like a child in my expression towards God, the danger is that I may not know Him for who He is, nor His kingdom or reality. Its in that place of humility that God sets a foundation to build upon for the rest of my life. I cant be mature, until i embrace my immaturity. I cant be a man, until i become like a child. I can’t microwave this process, but I can enjoy the fullness of every step of it. I can’t claim to be complete in this process, or even close to it, but I can say I want ALL of it.

I have this deep craving to give myself to love, to buckle under and submit to these desires to become like a child in my expression towards Him, to make the expression of my heart low and simple just to enjoy the fullness of His presence, letting the thoughts of me trickle away……..I have this surface expression of “all i know is that I dont want to be who I am acting like right now.” To which I love that His method to change me-its not to give me greater ambition to strive after doing better things or being a better person-its to love me, wooing me into His presence where I look at Him, I commune with Him, and all the while I am changed……..I have this longing to lay in His presence, not thinking a thought until its inspired or saying a word until I must. Bringing all my edges, all my rawness and immaturity, yet just to be with Him and to hear the stirrings of His heart.

Ive been so moved as Ive looked into the life of Johnny Cash. Redemption is beautiful. After years of overdoses, attempted suicides, affairs, alcoholism, and heartache, Cash finds love. What i find so amazing is his non-religious love. Its real. He writes in his last album packet, “Sometimes in the morning, I’ll say “good morning” to the Awesome Presence, but sometimes I forget to.” I get this sense after learning more about him, that he has an amazing seat in heaven, and a really special place in Gods heart.

Its true. Its real to me. “One thing I ask, to gaze upon Your beauty-to live in Your sanctuary.” When the vision, or revival, or prophecy, or miracles, or ministry, or being me, or any other good-God-things become my focus (my first love), I am miserable. Proven dramatically yesterday, this dissatisfaction will always lead me to sin. I must be close to Him! I must have intimacy. I want to feel His skin upon mine. I want to smell Him, and come away smelling like Him.