tyler ward.

[an excerpt from a recent religion paper i wrote.]

Ironically, my first significant encounter with the Divine was not during my few years of church attendance. It was on the floor of my bedroom on the other side of the world that I began to encounter Him. I wasn’t praying. In fact, silence was my priority. Often, it was as if I wanted to get rid of everything I brought to the room – my thoughts, emotions…etc – just to listen.  Read more...

It was the last 4 minutes of class, Dr Bell spouted this out as if a passing, nonchalant suggestion. “The bible is an invitation into a conversation.” The paradox is that the inference he made happens to be, in my mind, one of the more pressing issues in our modern day’s christianity.  Read more...

I find myself in my small world that has made “love” trendy. It has taken the most dynamic entity in history and made it a tool, strategy, or means to an end. My teenage years, invested in trying to stay out of trouble, told me “love” was the only other option. My scholarly life taught me to present “love” as a currency for good relations with my teachers and, in turn, graduation. My evangelical roots taught me to “love” people to save people. My professional existence gives “love” the role of creating trust and respect in order to empower a contract or partnership. My marriage has persevered through it’s share of days where “love” was simply a tool to make our lives less turbulent, to have better sex, or to get what i want.  Read more...

In our first Christmas season together, I found myself often lost in the thought of “how the hell did I get Analee?” Beyond her being substantially more good looking, intelligent, and magical than I am, I’ve gotten centimeters away from blowing my chances with her all together-more than a few times. In celebration of both, her grace for my complete failure as a boyfriend, as well as, her spending this Christmas-and every other Christmas on earth- with me…I thought I might share my “epic fails” with the world. Take it from me all you men out there. Though it worked out for me in the end, the following is not a guide to success with women.  Read more...

Maslow, one of the more respected psychologists throughout history, throws twelve people he believes to have “self-transcended” (to be explained) in a room. They had three things in common. Each had had a significant mystical or ecstatic experience in their past that changed their view of themselves and the world, they project a serene and stable personality, and they possess the same five qualities as defining values in their lives: compassion, creativity, humility, intelligence, and divergent thinking. Maslow defined self-transcendence as the ability to rise above oneself and the material world to deeply give, care about, and love another…and in turn, experience a quality life. More importantly, Maslow preached that this ability to transcend oneself happens only after ones basic needs of life are taken care of. In real words, when our basic needs of life are being taken care of, we then have the ability to rise above the material system and ourselves to experience a quality lifestyle of love.  Read more...

I’ve heard a lot of people go on about their journey in finding meaning or purpose in life. I’m one of them. It’s very rarely a bad endeavor to wrestle with the issue. My only concern is that it’s not actually the purpose of our lives this groaning is looking for. Is it our quest for meaning that drives us in our young age to travel the world, keep ipod’s in our ears, obsess over orgasms, or put a syringe in our arm? Is it a search for purpose that makes us in our older societal seasoned lives bury ourselves in work, sink our families in debt, or run to alcohol when vacations just don’t quite thrill us the way they use to? Is it meaning and purpose that cause us to give our money to a stranger on the streets, stir romance with our spouse, or ask God to show up in our everyday lives? I don’t think so. Take it or leave it, but I think it’s actually the experience of being and feeling alive we’re all consciously or subconsciously hoping to attain.  Read more...

Having just returned home from a 5 day experience with one of the more dysfunctional boss’ anyone could ever not ask for, this marks the end of my short stint with one of the more dysfunctional companies anyone could not ask to work for. Some of my preceding thoughts come from my natural progression into the professional world; yet, most of them come out of a semi-traumatic work experience, and may be prone to dramatic translation. In either case, here are a few random thoughts I’ve had during this recent seemingly long and rather taxing road of employment.  Read more...

Its been 49 days since I repeated those vows, and though I may not be a veteran on this journey called “marriage,” here’s a few thoughts. They derive from both my substantial failures as a husband thus far, as well as, what i consider to be a few success’ the wife and i have navigated. All of which, is heavily subject to change, especially in light of my recent and earth shattering discovery that i “dont know everything,” which was so kindly stated by my wife.  Read more...

“Boundaries are where identity comes from. They define what is you and what is not you. Some have not been able to own their own their own gifts, talents, desires, and dreams because they are unable to set boundaries on others definitions and expectations of them. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want, or else you run the risk of being defined by others.“

-Townsend and Cloud (in “Boundaries” on pg 213)  Read more...

In my move to LA, i found myself utterly intimidated and untrusting of anyone who could potentially have or hurt my heart. In a season when I was determined to not let anyone too close and in danger of shutting my heart down, who else would walk in my life than a five ft nothing ball of energy that pulled on every ounce of my attraction and intrigue?  Read more...

Just as my memoirs of mistakes were about to capsize my heart for the day, Paul walks in wearing a robe and holding a towel. Everything in me wants to fall on my knees and let the tears go. I keep my composure. He doesn’t say hello, just cuts to the chase. “Come here.”

For the next 10 minutes, we stand at his bedroom window and stare at the trees. He’s captivated with a certain kind of leaf, that when inspired by the wind, resembles the crackling of a fire ember.  Read more...

I could stay in the room of divine intimacy forever…its that good. But…the compassion in Gods heart towards humanity petitions me to come alive in the world. The eyes of the fatherless boy in the street suddenly shine brighter than my fear to be vulnerable publically. The cries of a marginalized generation suddenly are louder than my insecurity that keeps me bound from speaking. The stinch of money robbing people of their souls suddenly smells stronger than the self-preservation that keeps me quiet and indifferent. I dont know how to consistently do life in this place of undiluted compassion, but in this moment, it feels worth giving my life to learn it.  Read more...

Humanity judged and the small world around him dropped its hammer with a verdict. This man inside took a step back…furthor…furthor…furthor…until he felt the chain of insecurity clasp his ankles. Ill confidence took his throat, stealing his voice. Shame gripped his wrists. After trying to scream, crying out for anyone to recalibrate-to understand- yet finding none, he resolved to find contentment in his dark, but safe, place. A year and a half later, a hand lifts his small-minded and safe dungeon, dropping it in southern california. Love begins to burn his heart again. When the door opens, every thing, person, and voice tugs on all thats dead inside-saying- MAN OF GOD INSIDE, COME ALIVE TO RIGHTLY TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD.  Read more...

the drunks…the homeless…the abandoned…the prostitutes…the poor…the children…the hungry…and the people who love them.

For more of those moments where my soul is possessed entirely by an undilluted love for RELATIONSHIP. Relating to the Divine. Relating to humanity. RELATIONSHIP. To value it…to understand it…to have it…to develop it…to love it is to have LIFE.

After getting off the floor with God, it hit me. Jesus wasnt lying when He said the entire reason for His short stay on earth was so that we could have LIFE to the full. Yeah…it hurts like hell sometimes to not live inside the worlds “system,” but who needs a system only good for some lies and keeping you trapped by fear anyway? And yeah…it takes time to develop life with God, but what doesnt take a process to grow? And yeah…it is a narrow road with a small population of travelers, but its the BETTER way…and its one of those moments where im just really glad ive found the grace to walk it.
…So…cheers to not being lied to anymore. To being liberated from a slavery to fear into a freedom to love. To inheriting a “system” with no boundaries through intimacy with the uncreated one.
“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn. It shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” -Solomon.  Read more...

Theres a song that continually plays throughout the earth. Some call it the “Liberation of Humanity.” Others have named it “Heaven Invading Earth.” Either title, its heard by those who are listening—by those who have given their lives to hear. And when they do…hear it, they cant help but live to join in it. In child-like wonder they live day to day dancing and singing, suffering and pleading, loving and holding, giving and giving, giving and giving. They could lose all they have, but as long as they hear this song and sense its nearness, they keep singing. Can you hear it?  Read more...

If you want to know why there are still so many poor in the slums, oppressed trapped in factories/brothels, and marginalized stuck on the the streets around the world—-its because for far too long, the most wealthy and resourceful church on earth-the american one-has devalued the person of the Holy Spirit and the place of intimacy with God in the human life. If it was to be corrected, Gods heart could be manifested on earth and consequently the poor would be empowered, the oppressed would be freed, and the marginalized understood.  Read more...

If a man was to use discipline, hardwork, manipulation…etc, he might gain the world. Yet, in the end, it would be a world with boundaries, limits, and ultimately an end. If the same man was to use humility and faith, he would find intimacy with the Holy Spirit and enter into a world with no boundaries or limits and no end.

I miss my best friend. Without the nearness of Holy Spirit, I find myself running vain circles in a dark room, all the while trying to find a way out. Chris Martin says it best. “The truth is I miss you. Im tired, i should have never let you go. So i’ll crawl back into your open arms.”

I want the weight of His affections towards the people on earth to break into my reality and crush me to the floor. I dont want to get up until I’m consumed by love, and wrecked enough to GO and hold the broken, kiss the loveless, encourage the weak. You can keep my vanity and my dignity, I dont think I’m gonna need it anymore.

It’s a bizarre thing for me to realize that it’s on the streets that I feel most alive, where I am seemingly most at home. Looking in to the eyes of the hurting and poor, I further come to understand that love isn’t a hobby or an intellectual attainment, but that LOVE costs my life.

Is it a coincedence that God’s been getting me for the poor and oppressed, and in the same breadth of time, I get accepted to a ministry school in Mozambique, as well as, invited to take off the asia for a month? I doubt it. As of Saturday, i was studying for a test on tuesday. As of Sunday, i had dropped classes after getting accepted to Africa. As of Monday, I was straightening things out to take off to asia for a month. As of Friday, I’m sitting in Tokyo pondering how much fun it is to do life with the Holy Spirit. Much of the time, its more like a catching a wave, and enjoying the ride. So, before i get off this wave, It will have taken me to Japan, Thailand, Singapore, Taiwan, China, India, South Africa, and Mozambique. If you want to keep in tune with the asia travels… asiaandbeyond.blogspot.com Keep in touch.  Read more...

“When we are strong, we cant find God’s love, mostly b/c were not looking. When we are weak is when God’s love finds us.” For years i lived under the reality of love being a reward. If I abandoned my normal shape to cram myself into the box of my dads expectations, I was loved. Though this reality provided little room for authentic relationship between my dad and I, its how we lived everyday until today. I woke up this morning to my dad eating a nectarine and drinking coffee on my futon in my living room. He had travelled down for the day just to express himself to me face to face. He told me he was sorry for never truly accepting who i was outside of his box. He told me i was free to be who I am, and that he understood my need for his love, but wouldnt allow me to strive to please him anymore for it- he would give it freely. He washed my feet, then wiped my tears. He showed me the value of weakness. He showed me the heart of God. He broke generation oppressions, and he opened a door and stepped into a new room. From this room, not just my heart, or my family will be affected, but the world will be changed. My dad is an international business man, a highly respected and influencial person in the lives of some of the voices of the world…and now…he’s learning how to truly love, and love changes everything and everyone it touches. God cares for us and for the people around us far too much to let us go on in the vain strength we’ve aquired from the world. Our only hope is what my dad has discovered—weakness.  Read more...

I feel so distant and have nothing to say. For the first time in a long time, I’m wishing it was yesterday. I wish I could change things, but dont have the strength. So I wait. I wait for you to take me by the hand. I wait for you to consume my heart again.

I sit here in a multi-million dollar house after enjoying a laid back day of fruit tea and friendship. Theres nothing wrong with my circumstances and experiences. In fact, im living a life of love and abundance…the very essence of the heart of God. But as I sit here sipping my tea, there are young girls being sold for sex 3 or 4 times before i finish my glass. There are orphans roaming the streets with no hope of anyone ever loving them. There are slaves throughout the world digging trenches and sewing fabric for the 13th hour without a break and no pay. I read and hear of the poor and opressed in increasing measure lately. I find myself quiet. Im not ashamed, just humbled, and hungry for my life to be given to their justice and joy. So thankful for the last 2 years of soaking and intimacy with the Holy Spirit, I find the heart of God manifesting itself in the cravings of my life.  Read more...

There are no words to explain how I feel.
Its all of me, just not to cry.
Speechless and empty-handed lying on the floor,
All I can seem to ask is why?
Things around me might seem fine,
But everything is crumbling inside.
That’s why…

IM JUST SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE WITH ME.
IM JUST SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE TONIGHT.

So many thoughts of losing everything I hold dear.
So many insecurities, so many fears.
Hungry for so much more, all I can do is wait in silence and sometimes tears.
Its then, I realize Everything I really want is already here.  Read more...

“The upright will make their home in His presence.” -David. If we could only understand that everything else is simply the fruit of making our home in His presence.